Maureen

[laurenE]

Maureen,

As  I read your post, with more tears streaming down my face,  I felt as if God himself wrote that for me.  Earlier today I lay across my bed sobbing out to God,  not knowing what I needed,  but knowing I needed something.    I rest in the comfort that the Holy spirit does know what we need, even when we ourselves have no idea.   Since she has left,  I am in that place again.  Not knowing what I need,  but knowing the pain runs deep and I need someone, something.  But as I  take that leap of faith and reach out,  I keep getting turned down,.  No one is available,  out living their own busy lives,  except for people here.

Why do I keep loving the ones who hurt me the most?  Its frustrating.  Mom, and now my sister.    At times I wish I had no conscious,  no heart.  At least then I couldnt feel or hurt anymore.  At least then I could let them go.   But  I can't.  I dont know how.  I wish I did.  Life would be so much easier.

You asked if I remember that dream you had about my mom yrs ago.  How could I forget?  I still think of it often.   At the time it was such a much needed message from you,  from mom,  and /or from God..whoever sent it,  just as I needed to hear your post these last two days.   

Both times I found myself asking whether or not you were a real person.  You're so perfect and so loving and know just what I need to hear somehow.  You seem to feel my pain like no other.   You restore my faith and my belief in God given angels.   I wonder if you are an angel?  If not,  then you are the closest thing I have ever come to finding one.   Your gift of writing and your love for us here as well as your love for  God is a true and genuine testimony of His own perfect love for us.    As His child,  you are truly doing what we are called to do ;  using the pain we go thru here on earth  to help and uplift,  to encourage and to bring others closer to HIm.    Trust me,  you do your job well.     

There will be many crowns in heaven for you someday.  Not too soon,  I still need you here.   But what a day of rejoicing it will be when I finally meet my own webhealing angel, someday my friend.     I am convinced I will know you when we get there.  Just be prepared for the biggest hug of your life.   I won't ask to be first in line (that would be kinda selfish)  but I do hope to be at  the front of the line somewhere.... a very long line of very grateful people who you helped along lifes way.   

Thank you for being here.  And thank you for allowing God to use you in a way that is much needed in my life right now.

A great big hug and a whole lot of tears,
laurenE

ps.   I just heard this song by Casting Crowns again.  Thought I would share it with you. Kinda says what I feel.


*****************************
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus