My Brother myself

[Pinecone]

I'm here poking at my amputation....

Here's what happened.  It was April 2006.  I was at my best friends, my soul mates house.  He had non curable kidney cancer.  I had been going to stay with him every ten days to keep an eye on him as he was begining to go down hill.  He had known about the cancer for two years by then and I was his medical power of attourney too.  The phone rings and it was my older sister crying.  She said..."Hal is gone."  What???  "Hal is GONE!!!  He had a massive heart attack and he died!"

And that ended who I was...who she was.  Who my Mom was.  Just like that we were all just ghosts of the people we used to be.  I know I don't have to explain that bizzare feeling here.  You guys seem to know what I mean.  What I did was to get though the rest of it.  The funeral.  All of it as best I could with what was left of me and continue to take care of my soul mate.  By July I at his side 24/7.  On November 3rd he died from the cancer.  Nothing was going to stop me from giving him my best to see that every minute was the most comfortable and enjoyable I could make it for him.

But now .... now I am processing both of them.  Or whatever this is that used to be me is trying to figure out what to do with what used to be myself. 

I don't seem to want anything.  I don't even seem to even want to go to bed and never get up.  I don't  ...  anything ...  but I cry and I don't even know what it is I'm crying about in particular.  The snow is pretty...I've not lost the ability to see that the snow is achingly beautiful out there.  Maybe even more so than it ever was and yet ... I can't come up with a single thing I want. 

I'm just existing.  It's like I'm watching the world and that's all I'm doing.  Yeah I eat something once in a while but .... does anyone know what I mean ... I was a chocoholic!  I loved Godivas and would wish I could have boxes delivered to my door step every month.  You know?  Dreams of foolishness seem to have vanished with these two losses.  I think maybe I would like to dream of foolishness again?  Is that it?  I want to want a $1000 gift certificate to the Barnes and Noble again? 

That's almost it, but not quite.  It's closer to I want these entities back so I can share with them the pleasure of wanting these foolishnesses.   I want them to roll their eyes and say OMG!!!  You and your books and chocolates! 

My brother liked M&Ms.  I got M&Ms for his visitation.  I put M&Ms on his grave.  I had some for Christmas, because he always got M&Ms for Christmas.  I wanted him to be there for his funeral to help me though it and I would help him though it and we would have our little inside stories about what went on at it.   He was my shoulder and I was his.  Of my siblings we thought the most alike.   You know???

just..... oh crap....... this sucks and there's no brother to have M&Ms with and complain to about just how much it sucks and they know EXACTLY what sucks without a whit of explaination because they knew who you are and what you thought.  My brother was 55 when he died.  I'm 53.   

[debra]

I understand what you're going through. My only sister died April 26, 2006 from advanced breast cancer.  I feel like I'm walking around with a huge hole in my heart. The pain at times overwhelms me. I ache for her from deep within. I think about her all day long. I still cannot believe that she is gone and that I will never see her again. I am trying so hard to move into acceptance, but have not been able to do so. The holidays were very painful for me. Before my sister's death I had ended a dysfunctional relationship with a married man and since her death I have gone back into the relationship. I feel so disconnected from everything and being with this man makes me feel like I have someone to hang on to. I have a son who lives in Florida. How does one get to a place of peace with the death of an only sibling. I loved my sister so much. I want her back with me.

[Pinecone]

I wish you didn't understand and I wish I didn't understand.  I wish we both were still in that place where our siblings were immortal and we were still whole.

I can't move toward acceptance.  Everytime I even think about it my stomach does this thing as if I'm on a rollercoster and I nearly faint.  Mental health be damned, it just isn't what I need.   I don't care if I'm batty.  To whom am I trying not to be batty for???!!!  I live alone and don't have any kids.  I have the luxury of being as mentally fit as I desire myself to be.   

My choice is not to accept.  My choice is to push away that my brother isn't around and just put him in a different dimension where he is not only around but around more than he was when he was material.  Like a little kid, I need my invisible friend.  When I keep the image in my mind that he still talks with me and walks with me, I feel so much better.  When I attemt to accept reality, I can't function.  I will really just throw up or pass out or maybe both.

But if I keep my spirit of him around, then I can show him the snow and the birds and we can be together in my forever like I thought we always would be.  In that way I function for now.  It isn't easy trying to be batty either.  All I know is I get this little lift, this little grin when I tease him in my mind and things are better for me, and THAT I know he would have loved.  I can see him roll his eyes and say "OH YEAH!!!  That's what's I need... YOU to be even battier than you already were!"

Right now I just can't go on without these conversations even if I know I'm the one making up both sides of them now.   

[koosielady]

ive lost two  brothers in eight months.....both 51 at time .i found my second brother in his bed dead....i live next to him and my sis lived with him.....shes disabled and we thought he just didndt get up for work.....we wanted to let him sleep....oh my dear god........i screamed and screamed.....not my other brother too.i have no real words to me or anyone ......the pain is too hard and was told there was nothing physically wrong from the autopsy....oooh im so angry he is gone....now my sis is all afraid to be there and feels alone.i go over every day and i cant understand this all......god help this family....what a loss what a loss....oh im soooooooooooooo angry.....so so hurt......it hurts too bad.Karen