Hurting So Badly (Part 1)

[Lonnie]

Hi: I don't know where else to go with all this pain I am feeling. I guess this is the right place because so much of it started when my stepfather (since I was 7) died a year and a half or so ago, and I was left to care for my ailing mom. She has diabetes, rheumatoid and osteo arthritis, fibromyalgia, failing eyesight, falls fairly frequently, blood sugar goes low unexpectedly, etc. I will not bore you with ALL the details.  She has insisted in living in their house alone for as long as she can, and I do understand her desire. I would be the same way. All her memories are there, and it is her home. My dad was her caregiver. He was 6'4" and I felt like if the world broke, he could fix it. But he is gone now, and my world is so broken, and it can't be fixed. Since he died, I started having more health problems than I already had. I got to where I couldn't sleep, and I would stay up all night, mostly trying to escape the reality of my present life. I have never gotten my sleep schedule right, though I do want to. I also have a teenage daughter who is a Senior in high school this year. We adopted her when she was 3 and she is now 18. We have had to ask her to move out when she graduates, because she has caused so much chaos in our home. She is full of rebellion and attitude. She was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder when we first adopted her. Because her mom had rejected her,  since I was in the place of mom, she was determined to reject me before I could also reject her. It was a nightmare. All I wanted was to love her and comfort her, but she never really let me. It is amazing how much harm can be done to a child by the time they are 3! Those are very formative years. She was not abused physically, but was more or less ignored. Her mother was a diagnosed Narcissist, and my daughter shows many of those same traits. Very self absorbed, heartless at times, thinking only and always of herself alone. So that has been so heartbreaking. My husband is a busy attorney. His specialty is adoptions. I know he loves me, but I feel that all his clients take precedence over us. He denies that emphatically, but my daughter feels the same way. At any rate, I said all that to say that I am facing some of the greatest trials of my life, and I don't have ANY real support. Forgive me for this being so long-I may have to continue it in an additional post.
I have diabetes, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure (5 BP pills a day), reflux disease, high cholesterol, etc. etc. Too much to talk about. And too much medicine!!!! And now, more has happened to me.
(Continued)